I am such a paranoid control freak while journaling.
These thoughts, they just smash into my head with paranoia.
I mean, I have some good reasons to be paranoid. Like the Communist regime style childhood. Privacy was this concept that evaded my community.
But now, as a sane, healthy adult who has been through scads of therapy, self-help, meditation and self-acceptance …this should be easy and feel safe, right?!
You’ll be writing away and suddenly thinking, wait…THESE are my thoughts?!
No one can ever see this! I’ll get locked up!
Despite the scads of articles about narcissim, TV shows featuring serial killers and our obsession with psychopathy, most of us are fairly normal.
Yes, we’re living in extreme times but that doesn’t mean everyone is going to turn into a serial killer.
So take a deeeep breath, give yourself a goofy little self hug and enjoy feeling like you aren’t the crazy one for the rest of this piece :)
Thoughts I have while journaling:
“What if I become posthumously famous and someone reads these?!
“Worse, what if they have some expert read them and then diagnose me as clinically insane?!”
“What if I’m actually off my rocker and no one knows it yet?”
“Oooh, can I copyright or trademark these and make billions of dollars via my estate? That’d be cool…think of all the causes I could donate to! While dead.”
“Why does my handwriting suck so much? Being left-handed is kind of a trial. I should go type this.”
“Before I get to typing, I should answer these emails….this client work…and research the inner workings of nose hairs of the Chincoteague pony in the 1800s.”
“JUST WRITE AND STOP CENSORING YOURSELF DAMMIT.”
“I wonder if I should try writing with a fountain pen and real ink…that might help my handwriting…”
*phantom carpal tunnel pains* “ooops, time to get an arm brace and research how crippled I’ll be soon! OH NO I WON’T BE ABLE TO WRITE. MUST FIX THIS NON-EXISTENT PROBLEM.
- researches advances in voice and video technology” “okay cool, I can still write in the future.”
“These observations sound mean. Am I mean? Is this a psychological condition?!”
*researches possible disorders for the next two hours. worries excessively for two weeks*
“WHY DO I NOT HAVE ANYTHING WRITTEN?!”
“This is honest but super biting. How can I set this all to self destruct when I die?! Or at least lock it up forever. But then, what’s the point of all of this?”
“WHY DO I NOT HAVE ANYTHING PUBLISHED?!”
*decides to start REALLY writing tomorrow*
My higher self: