Often, he’s one of my brothers.
Frequently, it’s an Internet friend.
Occasionally, he’s even an old no-longer-friend but whose posts still show up on my Facebook feed.
And sometimes, he’s a dear friend who stands staring across the gulf between us.
Hey man, you’ve got to know. I’m not looking for problems or things to worry about. It’s not my MO. Not anymore. I have fought and bled and nearly died too many times to let anyone steal my mental peace.
But I see you. I see the pain that weighs down your strong shoulders. I see the way that you take care of everyone else. I see how you give and give and give and never ask for anything.
My heart aches for your pain.
You don’t have any place to let go and fall apart. I see that. You don’t want to be any less of a strong person. You don’t want to bother anyone else with your struggles, the ones that you tell yourself are so damn insignificant. Surely everyone else is suffering more. They wouldn’t be able to handle your pain even if they wanted to.
Oh my dear, you are not alone. I see how much it hurts. I see how you bury the agony deep in the strength of your heart where it can only erode you and never anyone else.
People always say that you should talk and share and be vulnerable but it’s annoying, yeah? You don’t see the point. Emotions are such flimsy things and you should be able to control them. Why won’t such small things bend to your will? So much else does. You find joy in helping others and falling apart will only burden them.
I wish you’d believe me when I tell you that the secret pain buried deep inside your muscles is spread when you hide it. It spreads to me and to anyone else who sees through the facade.
Dont worry, I won’t tell. Most people wouldn’t understand anyway. It’s a raw enough experience to accept the truth of your own feelings.
Only after facing the dark, dark consequences of my own past and the horrific trauma from that, am I able to sit quietly in the face of yours.
Perhaps that’s my superpower. Working through the inferno gave me the steadfastness to touch the gaping wound in your heart with gentle hands and not cringe away. I can stand beside you in the face of the demons and not be afraid. Mine were just as disgusting and terrifying to face.
Please don’t let this eat you away. Because pain does that. It will eventually erode your mind into insanity and your body into sickness. I see little signs of it already. That terrifies me, to lose you. Not the darkness of what happened to you, or what others did. None of that scares me, however ugly.
Can we face it together? My hand and my heart are ready to reach out and steady you.
Okay, you aren’t ready yet. Yes it hurts to watch you struggle when the solution is so close but whenever it’s your time to break free, know that I am here.
Ready to help you steady yourself for this fierce battle.
Whenever you’re ready to get free, darling, I’ll be here to walk with you.
In the end, I know that you will soon be ready to walk through the fire and you find yourself through the flames. Every bit of horror and pain will become your strength. After that, you will have the courage face anything, feel the fear rise and not back down.
The freedom will set your soul on fire and put a light in your eyes to guide the way.
Though you’re hiding behind the armor of “Fine!”, I still see you.
Thank you for reading!! :)